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" I'd rather rot on my own floor than be found by a bunch of bingo players in a nursing home. "

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" Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs. "

" American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them. "

" Americans worship creativity the way they worship physical beauty - as a way of enjoying elitism without guilt: God did it. "

" In social matters, pointless conventions are not merely the bee sting of etiquette, but the snake bite of moral order. "

" He travels fastest who travels alone, and that goes double for she. Real feminism is spinsterhood. "

" To achieve the very pinnacle of good taste, the neoclassicists wrote their plays entirely in alexandrine verse, a rarefied meter that is uniquely tailored to the French language and fits no other. "

" True nostalgia is an ephemeral composition of disjointed memories. "

" People are so busy dreaming the American Dream, fantasizing about what they could be or have a right to be, that they're all asleep at the switch. Consequently we are living in the Age of Human Error. "

" Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward. Next to the first one in the morning, it's the best one of all. It tasted so good that even if I had been frigid I would have pretended otherwise just to be able to smoke it. "

" The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners. "