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" If I have food in the house and I'm laying in bed, I go, 'I bet that Captain Crunch is lonely in the cupboard.' "

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" I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed. "

" Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book. "

" I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. It's just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life. "

" We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that. "

" You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.' "

" You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family. "

" I have about 1,000 hours of myself on tape in a vault in Los Angeles. But I also have a photographic memory about my jokes, because they're really about me; they're my stories. "

" I think I have always tried to connect my comedy to my art. "

" A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers? "

" I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit. "

" I'm at 23 feet, diving into 17 feet of water. I'm over 400 pounds. Who doesn't want to see that? I do. I'm always shocked that I can do it. "

" I was 10th of 11 kids in an alcoholic, abusive, poor family. We all want things that we can't have. And I found comedy. "

" One time, I came off stage and a guy named Roman Decare, God rest his soul, he was a comic. 'Louie, if you do that family stuff, and you're a clean comic on stage, you'll become famous.' And, for some reason, a switch clicked, and I started doing the family stuff, and it became a giant part of my life. "

" I was kind of a Rickles comic to begin with. I was caustic, and I was abusive and mean to the audience. "

" Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that. "

" I started a big part of my career in Vegas. "

" We all think we're going to get out of debt. "

" Everyone always comes to one point in their life as an artist where you can either let your heart guide you or your ego. "

" I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated. "

" I can't stay long; I'm in between meals. "

" When I say, 'I can't stay long, I'm in-between meals,' that plays differently on the radio than it does in person. So I have to pick material that works because the words are funny, not just because of the images. "

" Well, isn't every successful person in every family the bankbook? "

" Everybody wanted to make it. One guy makes it. In a family when one guy makes it... 'Hey ain't you going to help us out?' "

" I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people. "

" I really try to have fun. If I don't have fun, you won't have fun. That's what my gift is: to relieve people from a little of the pain and comfort in their lives by allowing my comedy to distract them. A good laugh is almost as good as any doctor visit. "

" I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas. "

" I would trade everything I have to have had a happier childhood. "