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" If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it? "

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" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own. "

" I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else. "

" I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. "

" When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it. "

" Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out. "

" Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick. "

" The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone. "

" That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. "

" Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic. "

" I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion. "

" If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time. "

" If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure. "

" When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago. "

" The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth. "

" I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC. "

" No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory. "

" People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it. "

" I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible. "

" Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It's a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box... but in an actual physical fight against someone who's just a wrestler, you're going to get killed. "

" I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me. "

" Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends. "

" We're constantly re-evaluating the potential for life. We're finding it where we didn't think it could exist, such as volcanic vents and other extreme conditions like under arctic ice. We're finding life in these incredibly harsh and dynamic conditions, so we're having to re-evaluate our own ideas of what's possible on this planet alone. "

" As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who's been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it's stretching is if you haven't done it, or that you haven't done it rigorously for a long period of time. "