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" If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins. "

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" Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck. "

" I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you. "

" Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period. "

" Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you're not being a slave to your possessions. "

" I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see. "

" It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now. "

" So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.' "

" I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes. "

" I really had to imagine the kind of person that I would have been if I had never left my hometown. I don't think I would have been a very pleasant person. "

" A lot of nerds aren't aware they're nerds. A geek has thrown his hands up to the universe and gone, 'I speak Klingon - who am I fooling? You win! I'm just gonna openly like what I like.' Geeks tend to be a little happier with themselves. "

" I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage. "

" We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago. "

" I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form. "

" I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck. "

" I'm not familiar with the metric system. "

" I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything. "

" Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience; you can't pre-judge an audience based on the size of the room or the type of room. You've just got to be in the moment and go with it. "

" George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil. "

" I hate all sidekicks. "

" I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do. "

" I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians. "

" 90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on. "

" There are times when I have to take, I call it a 'silence bath,' where I shut off all of the external gadgets. I go walk around, talk to people, and just live life for a while. "

" Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am. "