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" If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. "

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" The difference between keeping things clean and keeping kids clean was that things just sat still and waited for the dirt to collect. We kids were carriers. We ran a pickup and delivery service. "

" You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice. "

" Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. "

" It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.' "

" One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination. "

" The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. "

" Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself. "

" Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. "

" Our parents set the moral tone of the family. They expected more of some of us and less of others, but never less than they thought we were capable of. "

" When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want? "

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. "

" Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor. "

" You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. "

" I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow! "

" I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom? "

" Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children. "

" It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors. "

" Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier. "

" The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent. "

" We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through. "

" If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. "

" It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. "