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" I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it! "

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" I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America. "

" I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny. "

" I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean. "

" My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage. "

" I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing. "

" I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone. "

" I'm tired of demographic appeal being more important than talent. I want to fight against that. "

" The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense. "

" I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold. "

" I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties. "

" My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings. "

" My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere. "

" If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings. "

" I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out. "

" I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that. "

" I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?' "

" My goal is to be exactly how I am offstage - although I realize I'm supposed to punctuate it with jokes. "

" I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man. "

" You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza. "

" I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more. "

" Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist. "

" I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie. "

" Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact. "