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" I'm the world's worst after-dinner speaker. I need pictures to respond to. I was the voice of the lottery balls once and got the sack. "

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" I want the little lassies who are thinking of going to a nightclub in Cardiff to stop to see what that guy's screaming for, or Grandma to put her knitting down to see why that guy's chatting about Alexander the Great. I'm after pulling in, whether it's in Manila, Beijing or whatever, the biggest possible audience. "

" The thing about darts is that you've got to shout. It's not like cricket where you can talk to Michael Atherton and ask him to analyse the bloody nuances. Darts does not have nuances. You've got to hurl yourself at it. "

" That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus. "

" When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is only 27. "

" I talk fast because I'm asthmatic, and I'm desperately hoping the words get out before my breath fails. "

" Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint. "

" I'm never quite as excited as people think because with my voice, when I shout, I squeak. "

" As a kid, I was school swot, but I used to hang around the billiard halls, learning that Geordie sense of humour, mixing with low-lifes. They were the sort who'd pick your pocket and then say 'Here you are lad, here's tuppence, get yourself some chips'. I was a good rugby player, a good runner, so I fitted in at Cambridge quite easily. "

" It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline. "

" The thing with darts players is they have always appeared available. They don't have to live like monks. I've only ever met one dry player in 35 years. "

" He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave. "

" He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed. "

" Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out. "

" The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there! "

" I'm a postmodern commentator, and so, in a cheeky parallel to James Joyce or James Kelman, I get to places, verbally, that are a little unusual - when I talk about Jocky Wilson and end up sounding like a Jackson Pollock of the commentary box. "

" Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water-buffalo with a pea-shooter. "

" Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength. "

" At various points, I've had a massive chip on me shoulder. I had fights about me accent with loads of those fellers you get from third-class public schools. They used to think I was speaking German. "

" You can get the dart player out of the pub, but you can't get the pub out of the dart player. "

" The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them. "

" Golden rule of life: never underestimate your rivals. "