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" That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus. "

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" Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength. "

" I'm never quite as excited as people think because with my voice, when I shout, I squeak. "

" He's as cool as a prized marrow! "

" I want the little lassies who are thinking of going to a nightclub in Cardiff to stop to see what that guy's screaming for, or Grandma to put her knitting down to see why that guy's chatting about Alexander the Great. I'm after pulling in, whether it's in Manila, Beijing or whatever, the biggest possible audience. "

" When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is only 27. "

" Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out. "

" Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water-buffalo with a pea-shooter. "

" At various points, I've had a massive chip on me shoulder. I had fights about me accent with loads of those fellers you get from third-class public schools. They used to think I was speaking German. "

" I talk fast because I'm asthmatic, and I'm desperately hoping the words get out before my breath fails. "

" The thing about darts is that you've got to shout. It's not like cricket where you can talk to Michael Atherton and ask him to analyse the bloody nuances. Darts does not have nuances. You've got to hurl yourself at it. "

" Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint. "

" Golden rule of life: never underestimate your rivals. "

" He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed. "

" It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline. "

" The thing with darts players is they have always appeared available. They don't have to live like monks. I've only ever met one dry player in 35 years. "

" You can get the dart player out of the pub, but you can't get the pub out of the dart player. "

" It's a form of mental and verbal gymnastics, and one of the things that appeals to me most about commenting on darts is that no one knows exactly what I'm going to come out with next - and neither do I. "

" That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble! "

" I'm the world's worst after-dinner speaker. I need pictures to respond to. I was the voice of the lottery balls once and got the sack. "

" The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there! "

" The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them. "

" There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions. "

" I'm a postmodern commentator, and so, in a cheeky parallel to James Joyce or James Kelman, I get to places, verbally, that are a little unusual - when I talk about Jocky Wilson and end up sounding like a Jackson Pollock of the commentary box. "

" He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave. "