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" In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends. "

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" It's so crazy in Hollywood. "

" I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those. "

" There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all. "

" It's hard to have a career. "

" I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom. "

" I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note. "

" It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it. "

" No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late. "

" There's always something funny about men chasing women. "

" To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee. "

" Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years. "

" It's funny because it's funny. "

" I never dated much in high school or college. "

" You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun. "

" Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch. "

" You know, you want to pull in a wide audience. "

" My career is just kind of crazy. "

" I never have kids in movies or in TV shows. "

" I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled. "

" I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right. "

" Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.' "

" Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic. "

" Single guys get a bad rap. "

" To be famous and broke is hard. "

" When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks. "

" I have no detectable hair style. "

" I'm like a Dilbert cartoon. "

" I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder. "