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" On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'. "
Paul Merton
Said
New York
Mind
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" At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.' "
Paul Merton
Someone
Meat
Heart
" I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties. "
Paul Merton
Off
I Am
Am
" I have never sold my story, done 'Hello!' magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line. "
Paul Merton
Story
Saying
Life
" I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? "
Paul Merton
Always
Dentist
Understand
" In a psychiatric hospital, a lot of people believe that people on TV are talking to them directly through the screen. I'm with about 500 of these people, and I'm on TV every Friday night. As I was queuing up for breakfast one morning, one guy nearly jumped out of his skin. My first thought was to go 'Woooo!' "
Paul Merton
People
Skin
Night
" I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian. "
Paul Merton
Outsider
Good
Think
" In 1986, I was attacked in the street as I helped Neil Mullarkey from the Comedy Store Players to put up posters. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time - midnight - and we were English. I got kicked in the head. "
Paul Merton
Head
Comedy
Street
" The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I'm pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it's a wonderful business to be in. "
Paul Merton
Business
People
Economics
" When things are difficult, awful, stressful, the thing that always gets you through is a sense of humour. I don't mean - well, maybe I do - laugh at the hangman as he puts the noose around your neck. But an eye, an ear, for the ridiculous, the absurd in life, can get you through a lot. "
Paul Merton
Always
You
Difficult
" My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. "
Paul Merton
Past
You
School
" I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy. "
Paul Merton
Comedy
Take
Really
" It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness. "
Paul Merton
Home
Loneliness
Lonely
" It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection. "
Paul Merton
Friends
Young
Laugh
" When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won. "
Paul Merton
Think
Service
Morning
" If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating. "
Paul Merton
Laughter
Laugh
Cheating
" Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor. "
Paul Merton
Myself
Ambition
Beginning
" I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it. "
Paul Merton
Doing
Business
Time
" I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it. "
Paul Merton
School
Thought
Got
" I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour. "
Paul Merton
Think
Vote
General
" And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh. "
Paul Merton
Friends
Stereotype
Old
" When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations. "
Paul Merton
Listening
Reading
History
" Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich. "
Paul Merton
Am
Call
Myself
" Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm. "
Paul Merton
Think
Care
Important
" When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. "
Paul Merton
Creating
Remembering
Funny
" In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it. "
Paul Merton
Comedy
Being
Fact
" The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear. "
Paul Merton
Say
You
Listening
" Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way. "
Paul Merton
Your
World
Well
" I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place. "
Paul Merton
Place
Never
Politicians
" I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't? "
Paul Merton
Nature
Comedy
Funny
" In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. "
Paul Merton
Show
Sound
Over