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" People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades. "

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" The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles. "

" Republicans are easy to make fun of. "

" I think I'm a good joke writer. I'm also very scared that the last joke I wrote is the last joke I'll ever write. "

" That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move! "

" I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again. "

" I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight. "

" I am a feminist. "

" Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed. "

" I think Trump is terrible for comedy. A lot of people say he is great. He's not. You can't joke a joke. "

" A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay. "

" We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point. "

" Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime. "

" Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever. "

" I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, 'Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.' "

" Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 'I didn't need this.' "

" A good joke can work in New York and Kentucky. "

" When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly. "

" I don't want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don't want a kid: I don't want anything in my life to be more important than me. "

" Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.' "

" I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom. "

" As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense. "

" It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen and see why someone might feel a certain way. "

" The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady. "

" The more confident I am, the more daring I am. "