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" The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady. "

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" I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again. "

" I think Trump is terrible for comedy. A lot of people say he is great. He's not. You can't joke a joke. "

" It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen and see why someone might feel a certain way. "

" I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight. "

" That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move! "

" We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point. "

" A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay. "

" Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime. "

" Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke? "

" I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom. "

" I don't want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don't want a kid: I don't want anything in my life to be more important than me. "

" I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, 'Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.' "

" When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly. "

" A good joke can work in New York and Kentucky. "

" The more confident I am, the more daring I am. "

" People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades. "

" I think I'm a good joke writer. I'm also very scared that the last joke I wrote is the last joke I'll ever write. "

" Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever. "

" Republicans are easy to make fun of. "

" Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed. "

" Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.' "

" The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles. "

" As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense. "

" Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 'I didn't need this.' "