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" Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. "

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" To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. "

" Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. "

" Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy. "

" The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. "

" What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country. "

" Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. "

" War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. "

" Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. "

" All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. "

" Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow. "

" Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. "

" The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. "

" Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. "

" Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. "

" Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth. "

" Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. "

" Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. "

" Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. "

" There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. "

" Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. "

" Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. "

" Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. "

" Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. "

" Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. "