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" So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. "

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" My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people. "

" I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance. "

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" The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided. "

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" America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million. "

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" Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? "