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" The first time I drank LaCroix, I half expected it to be filled with self-tanner. Or Axe body spray. "

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" My mom is an excellent mom. She knows I am irascible, prickly, and antisocial. She knows that most human interaction makes me tired and that I either scare people away with precise invectives or trot out the fakest, nicest skinjob of myself because it requires zero effort. "

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" Aside from the can, everything about LaCroix is gentle. "

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" Hopefully, if I get enough of a fan army together, people will let me write fiction. "