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" They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed. "

Bill Maher

Week

Bed

People

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" If you think you have it tough, read history books. "

" Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable. "

" Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. "

" Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need. "

" If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest. "

" It's all been satirized for your protection. "

" This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution. "

Bill Maher

Experience

Constitution

" Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade? "

" To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that. "

" We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists. "

" We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. "

" I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws? "

" Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. "

" Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. "

" Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.' "

" The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?' "

" Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is. "

" Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool. "

" I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again. "

" Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. "

" We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. "

" Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. "

" Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.' "

" Men are only as loyal as their options. "