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" We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. "

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" The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing. "

" Don't just crit their siticising. "

" In a packed programme tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet. "

" I suppose I would like to be remembered as one of the funniest men that people have seen on television. "

" It's better to make people laugh than cry. "

" To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world. "

" But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. "

" Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the 'secret milkshake.' "

" In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing. "

" There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared. "

" The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. "