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" What could be funnier than a fat person trying to run a marathon? "

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" I've no interest in fashion, shoes, handbags, or sweaty shopping. "

" It's a video release as well so I have to be perfectly honest and go, probably not specifically for DVD, but there are extra bits on it that aren't on anything else, so as exciting as that sounds. "

" I have seen good nurses and bad nurses. They existed along a continuum: from hard-working, kind and competent people, to office-hugging, bone-idle types, to apathetic, disengaged automatons. "

" One of the guys that used to run it - for some reason I've no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that'll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably. "

" Everything becomes magnified at night. Sounds travel in a different way, it's dark, and everything seems far more spooky. "

" I don't hold any candle for drama versus comedy. "

" It is unrealistic to expect an entire profession to be completely good. There are bound to be some individuals who are stressed, who are unkind, who are a bit rubbish at their job, who are in the wrong career. "

" There are so many cliches associated with mental health - such as the 'fine line between lunacy and genius' - which are, on the whole, a load of rubbish. "

" Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. "

" You look across the board at comedy quiz shows, and they are mainly hosted by men. "

" So, my style has hopefully changed over the years and it is more relaxed, and I do tend to smile and have more than one expression these days hopefully - which I didn't at the beginning. "

" You don't really see ugly people that are old, or a bit grotty and smelly, in the media. If a Martian came down, they would think we were all tall, thin, attractive and wealthy. "

" What they did was to make a pilot and it may well go to series at the next festival but I don't have any news on that. It's already been on Paramount actually, but as it's on Paramount it'll probably be on several more times... hopefully. "

" We women continue to swallow this line that it's unladylike or even proof of being a lesbian if you wear flat shoes like Doc Martens. I'm prepared to put up with that accusation, because at least my feet aren't killing me and I don't look like a bandy ostrich. "

" When I was at school you got an overall general education on many things, even just basic facts. "

" My preference is swimming in the sea. I find the sea is more liberating, wild and good fun rather than plodding up and down a pool. "

" Even nice things don't make you happy when you're tired. "

" I often tell audiences at the start of my shows that I'm not gay because I've got petitions from lesbian groups saying 'Can you tell people you're heterosexual because you're giving us a bad name.' "

" I think self-esteem is fluid. It's not a fixed state, and so some days are better than others. "

" Being Christian towards poor people means trying to improve their lives and give them back some self-respect. "

" There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go. "

" Anybody who has had the pleasure of reading an article about themselves in the press knows that, on the whole, there is a huge amount of inaccuracy, value judgment and the use of a crowbar to insert editorial bias that reflects the current political leaning of that particular paper. "

" I don't like doing stand-up, because I don't like standing up. "

" I like to read my diary occasionally to remind myself what a miserable, alienated old sod I used to be. "