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" Who'd want to be a modernist writer in the English-speaking world? "
Will Self
World
Writer
Want
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" Lives don't divide up into chapters. People don't just talk, while nothing's going on in their head, and then respond. You know, none of these things actually happen. "
Will Self
Head
You
Talk
" From time to time, as if heaven-sent to annoy, someone will ask me if I'm self-disciplined when it comes to my work. I usually look witheringly at them and snarl, 'What do you think?' I mean, how do you imagine anyone writes a quarter of a million words a year for publication? "
Will Self
Think
Work
Me
" The fictional work is a kind of actor that wears a satirical garb but can put on other costumes as well. "
Will Self
Work
Costumes
Kind
" In our benighted age, when films about amusement park rides and electronic fidgets scoop the honours, perhaps Hollywood redux is the best we can hope for. "
Will Self
Park
Best
Our
" Just as the blurring between childhood and adulthood has produced the kidult, so the stretching of middle into old age has fostered another peculiar chimera: septuagenarians with apoptosis sporting the depeche mode. "
Will Self
Age
Old
Childhood
" With spectacular events taking up so much of the available anxiety quotient, we need to be constantly reminded of the more workaday threats to our mortality - threats that, while they may also be functions of human error, have become so ubiquitous that we've begun to apprehend them as natural phenomena. "
Will Self
Human
Events
Anxiety
" Sometimes, when I hear people without experience of addiction blame addicts for their behaviour, I feel like saying to them: 'You simply don't understand - how can a child be held responsible for doing such a dreadful thing to himself?' But then again, at other times I have to acknowledge: it was done wilfully. "
Will Self
Experience
Blame
Child
" The life of the professional writer - like that of any freelance, whether she be a plumber or a podiatrist - is predicated on willpower. Without it there simply wouldn't be any remuneration, period. "
Will Self
She
Like
Professional
" So heedless have we become of our own image that second-hand mobile phones now invariably come with a SIM card chock-full of discarded intimacies. "
Will Self
Now
Mobile
Image
" As the render is to the building, and the blueprint to the machine, so sport is to social existence. "
Will Self
Building
Social
Machine
" Instead of looking at individual buildings, it makes more metaphorical sense to think of New York as one enormous chunk of masonry that has been cut up and carved away. It says, 'This is the ultimate polis, through which humans move like nematodes.' "
Will Self
New
New York
Think
" Not only is the statistical madness an assault on individuality, it's also one on temporality too. Statistics - even when accurate - are only an image of the past that can then be Photoshopped before being pasted on to the future. "
Will Self
Future
Madness
Image
" I've said it before - and I'll say it again: it always seems to me that we come to know our same-sex parents through the bodily and the involuntary; through a kind of fossicking of our own physical strata. As we come to resemble our fathers, so we re-encounter the individual who reared us. "
Will Self
Know
Kind
Say
" The British and American literary worlds operate in an odd kind of symbiosis: our critics think our contemporary novelists are not the stuff of greatness whereas certain contemporary Americans indubitably are. Their critics often advance the exact opposite: British fiction is cool, American naff. "
Will Self
Greatness
American
Cool
" Some people have human muses - mine is a city. I feel a startling ambivalence towards London, but for better or worse my work has come utterly to depend upon it. "
Will Self
Depend
City
Better
" Life, it is true, can be grasped in all its confused futility merely by opening one's eyes and sitting passively, a spectator on the stands of history - but to understand the social processes and conflicts, the interplay between individual and group, even the physicality of human experience, we have need of small-scale models. "
Will Self
Eyes
Experience
Group
" Most of us have had that experience - at around puberty - of realising that, despite whatever efforts we put into our chosen sports, we will become at best competent. "
Will Self
Best
Become
Experience
" Sometimes the crowd is the madness - at others it's the absence of the crowd that is. "
Will Self
Others
Sometimes
Absence
" I'm very happy for whatever plaudits might come the way of my work, but I never ever sit down to write x with y in view - whether it's a reader, a prize or a sale. "
Will Self
Way
View
Work
" You don't need to know this - but here goes: due to some acquired infantilism, I feel compelled to fall asleep listening to the radio. On a good night, I'll push the frail barque of my psyche off into the waters of Lethe accompanied by the midnight newsreader - on a bad one, it's the shipping forecast. "
Will Self
Night
Good
Good Night
" What more chilling indictment of the modern world is there than this: that the condition of the smartphone user is that of a dumb animal. Moooo! "
Will Self
More
Modern
Animal
" A short story is a shard, a sliver, a vignette. It's a biopsy on the human condition but it doesn't have this capacity to think autonomously for itself. "
Will Self
Think
Short
Human
" It would seem that I, who never could make much sense of physics when I was at school, have now gained a strong sense of Einsteinian space-time. I am free of the nimbyism of now, and feel a strong kinship with both the dead and the unborn. "
Will Self
Free
Strong
I Am
" I'd rather fiddle with my phone for precious seconds than neglect an apostrophe; I'd rather insert a word laboriously keyed out than resort to predictive texting for a - acceptable to some - synonym. "
Will Self
Phone
Word
Precious
" Without a shadow of doubt, Trafalgar Square has to be one of the most crap urban public spaces in the world. "
Will Self
Doubt
Square
Without
" The main differences between contemporary English and American literature is that the baleful pseudo-professionalism imparted by all those crap M.F.A. writing programs has yet to settle like a miasma of standardization on the English literary scene. But it's beginning to happen. "
Will Self
Literature
Writing
Beginning
" As a writer, I'm not convinced that we are the best equipped to understand how we go about the business of literary production. "
Will Self
Business
Understand
Writer
" You may have gathered that I am not the most cheerful of revellers - some characterise me as the death and soullessness of any party but it wasn't always so, believe me. "
Will Self
Death
Believe
You
" Like all right-listening folk, I am an implacable enemy of all muzak. "
Will Self
Enemy
Am
I Am
" I do have a fantasy life in which I can grout bathrooms - but not for a living. "
Will Self
Fantasy
Life
Living