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All Quotes by author - Chelsea Handler
" Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them. "
" Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com. "
" Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift. "
" I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem. "
" If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them. "
" I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out. "
" I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me. "
" I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting. "
" I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. "
" I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. "
" I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me. "
" I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times. "
" I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him. "
" I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility. "
" I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them. "
" It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself. "
" It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. "
" I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense. "
" I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared. "
" People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. "
" Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! "
" The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. "
" We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? "
" We women have to stick together. "
" You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer. "
" You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness. "
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