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All Quotes by author - Jasper Carrott

" After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?' "

" Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy. "

" Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them. "

" I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for. "

" I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy. "

" I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer. "

" I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist. "

" I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank. "

" I have to confess here that I am a useless cook. "

" I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure. "

" I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink. "

" I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit. "

" I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis. "

" I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius. "

" I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit. "

" I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line. "

" I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from. "

" Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list. "

" My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then. "

" My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word. "

" The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion. "

" There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson. "

" There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal. "

" The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests. "

" Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000. "

" When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all. "

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