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" There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson. "
Jasper Carrott
Way
Mind
Involved
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" Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy. "
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Unhappy
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" I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius. "
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Say
Money
Genius
" Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000. "
Jasper Carrott
Career
Playing
Done
" My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word. "
Jasper Carrott
Someone
Name
Football
" The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion. "
Jasper Carrott
Most
General
Our
" I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink. "
Jasper Carrott
Believe
Early
Food
" I have to confess here that I am a useless cook. "
Jasper Carrott
I Am
Cook
Here
" Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list. "
Jasper Carrott
Laughter
High
Best
" I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank. "
Jasper Carrott
Always
Class
Eye
" There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal. "
Jasper Carrott
Drive
You
Will
" When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould. Now there are thousands of comedians out there, and I don't think I can be above it all. "
Jasper Carrott
Now
I Can
Jokes
" After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?' "
Jasper Carrott
Job
Leaving
School
" Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them. "
Jasper Carrott
Always
My Time
Wonder
" I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit. "
Jasper Carrott
Celebrity
Time
My Time
" I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for. "
Jasper Carrott
You
DJ
I Am
" The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests. "
Jasper Carrott
Complex
Best
Debate
" I have been known to play a few rounds in my time. I'm not obsessive; I don't play in the dark, but even that's not out of the question because Stevie Wonder is also a golfer. "
Jasper Carrott
Wonder
Time
Question
" I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from. "
Jasper Carrott
Clown
Where
Never
" I have realised that my time has come and gone. I'm not bitter, just a realist. "
Jasper Carrott
Time
Just
Realist
" I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance in the game, which is more than can be said of tennis. "
Jasper Carrott
Golf
Tennis
Abundance
" I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit. "
Jasper Carrott
Comedy
Career
Club
" I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line. "
Jasper Carrott
Enjoy
Business
Line
" My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then. "
Jasper Carrott
Heart
Me
Driving
" I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as simple as not being unhappy. "
Jasper Carrott
Happy
Marriage
Looking