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" A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. "
" If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. "
" A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? "
" People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. "
" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "
" If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. "
" I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. "
" When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. "
" I have too much money invested in sweaters. "
" You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. "
" When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. "
" A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "
" The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. "
" I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. "
" I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. "
" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "
" The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. "
" If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. "
" The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. "
" You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. "
" When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. "
" I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. "
" I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. "
" She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. "
" Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. "