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" When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. "

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" The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. "

" People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. "

" A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. "

" You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. "

" She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. "

" Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. "

" You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. "

" If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. "

" The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. "

" I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. "

" If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. "

" If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. "

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. "

" I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. "

" I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! "

" When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. "

" A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. "

" When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. "

" I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. "

" I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. "