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" Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't sign your name you'd have to pay cash. "

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" I believe the true function of age is memory. I'm recording as fast as I can. "

" No animal on the face of the earth could conceive of taxation. You and I work roughly six months a year to pay our local, state and federal taxes. If nothing else, this should convince you that animals are smarter than people. "

" I don't think you can ever assess your work. I don't think Turgenev could assess his any more than I can assess mine, and his didn't have a social impact as much as great literary impact. "

" Intuition is a suspension of logic due to impatience. "

" Leroy bet me I couldn't find a pot of gold at the end, and I told him that was a stupid bet because the rainbow was enough. "

" The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself. "

" If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle. "

" Virginia Woolf said that writers must be androgynous. I'll go a step further. You must be bisexual. "

" I became a lesbian because of women, because women are beautiful, strong, and compassionate. "

" Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. "

" We animals live life in all its glorious uncertainty. Why do politicians think they can control events? "

" I am a comic writer, which means I get to slay the dragons, and shoot the bull. "

" Normal is the average of deviance. "

" Writers will happen in the best of families. "

" Morals are private. Decency is public. "

" A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. "

" If you like my novels, I commend your good taste. "

" I've met many irresponsible people in my life but never an irresponsible cat. "

" Political elections are not life and death. "

" Cats and dogs believe politicians are like cemetery caregivers; they are on top of everyone, but nobody listens. "

" A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction. "

" Don't ask to live in tranquil times. Literature doesn't grow there. "

" I believe in a lively disrespect for most forms of authority. "

" A deadline is negative inspiration. Still, it's better than no inspiration at all. "

" There hasn't been a day in my life since I started Latin in ninth grade that I haven't benefited by the lives of the ancients. "

" Women who love women are Lesbians. Men, because they can only think of women in sexual terms, define Lesbian as sex between women. "

" The only queer people are those who don't love anybody. "

" All creatures tread across the rubble of ruined civilizations. The trick is to keep moving. No animal ever goes about dispensing shallow compassion. "

" The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. "

" Not until my middle thirties did I consider myself a novelist. "