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" Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither. "

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" All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it. "

" I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else. "

" I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal. "

" I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. "

" There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. "

" Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby. "

" I just want to be known as funny. "

" As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. "

" I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.' "

" Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. "

" My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that. "

" I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. "

" There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. "

" Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides. "

" Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny. "

" I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. "

" You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. "

" No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much. "

" I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors. "

" I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives. "

" Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. "

" I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield. "

" Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying. "

" I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere. "