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" I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else. "

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" I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.' "

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" I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. "

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" When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about. "

" I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. "

" I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere. "

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" You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. "