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" I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. "

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" I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else. "

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" I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors. "

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" You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. "

" All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it. "

" I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal. "

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" I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.' "

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" I just want to be known as funny. "