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" Everyone looks so much better when they smile. "

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" When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be. "

" If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice. "

" Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.' "

" Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia. "

" You only think of the best comeback when you leave. "

" Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you. "

" Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason. "

" Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports. "

" There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing. "

" My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things - so we had a surrogate. "

" I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. "

" Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot. "

" I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive. "

" I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle. "

" L.A., it's nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think of Times Square and Broadway and nightlife and the city that never sleeps. "

" I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets... then I got to 'Saturday Night Live' where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I'm going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I'm gonna go sit with. "

" I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox. "

" Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen. "

" I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' "

" My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass. "

" The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. "

" Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking. "

" Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. "