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" The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. "

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" I looked on my stomach and saw Frieda Rebecca, white as flour with the cream that covers new babies, funny little dark squiggles of hair plastered over her head, with big, dark-blue eyes. "

" It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment! "

" Life is hard. After all, it kills you. "

Katharine Hepburn

" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "

" It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it. "

" I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. "

" I just want to be myself and be real and be funny. "

" She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. "

J. B. Priestley

" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "

" From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. "

" Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. "

Abraham Lincoln

" It's funny because I want my teeth to be, like, neon 'Real Housewives' white, but mine have stopped taking to teeth whitening. When I talk to my dentist, I'm like, 'They can be that white,' and he's like, 'Veneers can be that white.' "

Christine Teigen

" There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. "

" I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers. "

" I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' "

" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "

" Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends. "

" What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes. "

" I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox. "

" Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there. "

" There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity. "

" If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. "

Seth MacFarlane

" I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't. "

Seann William Scott

" I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. "

" Reality continues to ruin my life. "

" You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. "

" Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. "

Raymond Chandler