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" Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot. "

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" There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing. "

" Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you. "

" The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. "

" My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things - so we had a surrogate. "

" Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.' "

" I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets... then I got to 'Saturday Night Live' where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I'm going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I'm gonna go sit with. "

" Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. "

" I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' "

" Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.' "

" I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle. "

" Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports. "

" Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen. "

" Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason. "

" I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive. "

" When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be. "

" I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. "

" Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia. "

" Everyone looks so much better when they smile. "

" I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox. "

" If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice. "

" L.A., it's nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think of Times Square and Broadway and nightlife and the city that never sleeps. "

" You only think of the best comeback when you leave. "

" Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking. "