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" Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row. "
Sam Kinison
Straight
Been
Row
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" Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it. "
Sam Kinison
Art
You
Stand-Up Comedy
" If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. "
Sam Kinison
Married
Vows
Want
" You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd. "
Sam Kinison
People
Tough
Laugh
" I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian. "
Sam Kinison
People
Myself
Just
" Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth. "
Sam Kinison
Model
Role
Youth
" I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order. "
Sam Kinison
Influences
Jesus
Order
" Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her! "
Sam Kinison
Lost
Her
Everything
" I'm attracted to heartbreakers. "
Sam Kinison
Attracted
" It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that. "
Sam Kinison
You
Done
Great
" When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man. "
Sam Kinison
Been
Target
Man
" Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden. "
Sam Kinison
Wrong
Voice
Generation
" So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move. "
Sam Kinison
Doing
Want
Move
" In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society. "
Sam Kinison
Community
You
Space
" I have lived a carnal life. "
Sam Kinison
Lived
Carnal
Life
" Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?' "
Sam Kinison
Heaven
Water
Going
" I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry. "
Sam Kinison
Tough
Jokes
Laugh
" My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it! "
Sam Kinison
Why
You
Heaven
" I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't. "
Sam Kinison
Saying
Going
MTV
" I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself. "
Sam Kinison
Myself
Start
Day
" So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there. "
Sam Kinison
Drive
Party
People
" I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings. "
Sam Kinison
Hurt
Feelings
Who
" I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. "
Sam Kinison
Years
Worry
Two
" I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles. "
Sam Kinison
Things
Saying
Meet
" It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there. "
Sam Kinison
Church
Ozzy
Like