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" My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it! "

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" I'm attracted to heartbreakers. "

" I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry. "

" So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move. "

" In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society. "

" It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that. "

" Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden. "

" When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man. "

" It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there. "

" Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth. "

" If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. "

" You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd. "

" Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her! "

" So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there. "

" I have lived a carnal life. "

" Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type. "

" I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. "

" I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself. "

" I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings. "

" I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order. "

" Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?' "

" I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles. "

" I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't. "

" Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row. "

" Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it. "

Stand-Up Comedy