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" For some reason, we can't just enjoy somebody else's success. Somehow, that's going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less - and I don't know why. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Know
Why
Enjoy
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" A lot of money with the wrong career is not going to make you happy. If you have money without happiness, it doesn't mean anything. It's all about happiness. "
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" I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. "
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" My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support. "
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" While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses. "
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" I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key. "
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" I've gotten to a place where I really am just settled. Really. "
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" Hosting the Oscars is pretty much the scariest thing you can do. To me, this is right up there with bungee jumping! "
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" The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift. "
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" People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "
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" I never buy a house thinking that I'm going to sell it. "
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" I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion. "
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" I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals. "
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" I'm sure there's somebody out there who doesn't like Betty White because she's short and has white hair. "
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" I just want to find somebody special, somebody that I click with. "
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" I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world. "
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" Designing is my hobby. If I didn't do what I do for a living - at some point when I don't do this for a living - I'll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture. "
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" I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame. "
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" If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move. "
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" I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that's happening and the hatred that's happening, and just fight it with love and compassion. "
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" I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian. "
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" Usually, I wear tennis shoes because my feet are flat, and it hurts to wear anything other than shoes that are cushiony. "
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" I say always follow your passion, no matter what, because even if it's not the same financial success, it'll lead you to the money that'll make you the happiest. "
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" When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it's hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn't feel like me. "
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" I love kids. But that's such a big commitment. And it seems long-term. It seems like a commitment that you have to stick with. And I just don't know if I can - it's too risky. Like, what if I don't like the kid? "
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" People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that. And if you love your animal, then you should feed them something that's not dangerous for them. There's a lot of poisonous stuff that they're putting in a lot of that food, those by-products. "
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" Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. "
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" I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff. "
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" The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique. "
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" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "
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" When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me. "
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