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" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Day
Walking
She
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" I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. "
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" I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. "
Kurt Fuller
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" There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. "
Lewis Black
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" For people who have done comedy after a certain point in time, I think there's a base level of, 'O.K., I think I'm decently funny.' But unless you just have some massive ego, I really think you're still fighting against that. "
Will Ferrell
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" At home in L.A., Sunday is lazy. It's the wife and me lying in bed with coffee, watching 'The Soup' or something funny on TiVo. The kid will occasionally join us. Eventually, breakfast is at a place down the street called Paty's. And we always have some kind of great dinner - my wife makes a great roast beef. "
Eric McCormack
Dinner
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" The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. "
Ron White
Know
Laugh
Hands
" I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. "
Ella Henderson
You
Eating
Start
" It's funny: When I first heard they were thinking of me for the president in 'Independence Day,' I just assumed it was a comedy - I didn't exactly think of myself as leader-of-the-free-world material. "
Bill Pullman
Day
Think
Myself
" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "
Lucille Ball
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You
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" I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. "
Marion Barry
Funny
Republican
Slavery
" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "
Tallulah Bankhead
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" If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. "
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Being
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" If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Kindness
Compassion
Fight
" They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. "
Clint Eastwood
Lightning
They Say
Say
" Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. "
E. B. White
Facts
Funny
Great
" In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings. "
Josh Zuckerman
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Cute
Funny
" Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I'm openly gay. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Looking
Thought
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" It's funny how I use social media because I don't use it to promote my restaurants that much. I use it for social issues and I think that's what it's for. I do a few things - I mess around with music a lot because that's a passion of mine. If something strikes me and I want to share it, I do. "
Tom Colicchio
Social Media
Music
Me
" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "
Sam Levenson
Temptation
Funny
Find
" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "
Jeff Dunham
Learn
Think
People
" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "
Lana Turner
Money
Wife
Find
" An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. "
George Jean Nathan
Out
Optimist
Looking
" I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. "
Ellen DeGeneres
Good
You
People
" We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed. "
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Wolf
Sister
Home
" All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that, you're not sure really what's going to happen. It's a funny game, but I think that's why I love it. You never know, one day to the next; you could go shoot 62, and the next day you're going to shoot 78, and you can't predict it. "
Rickie Fowler
Day
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Think
" It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. "
J. D. Salinger
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" I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced. "
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" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "
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" Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? "
James Thurber
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" There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' "
Todd Phillips
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