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" Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. "

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" Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life. "

" I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far. "

" Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples. "

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" You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy. "