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" I always wanted to live in a haunted house. "

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" I would not ever try to be a show intellectual, which I was accused of doing a while on ABC. I thought you were supposed to read the guests' books. "

" As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. "

" To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. "

Misunderstanding

" My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's. "

" It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear. "

" It takes a certain amount of guts to go to your class reunions. "

" Show people tend to treat their finances like their dentistry. They assume the man handling it knows what he is doing. "

" I'm the only talk show host, I think, if there's such a category in, what's called, the book of records, to have a guest die while we were taping the show, yeah. "

" I am always shocked that there are still a handful of defenders of the dubious practice of abstinence, surely the worst idea since chocolate-covered ants. "

" Lawyers work hard and, like us, they're human, many of them. "

" I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him. "

" Every student of comedy should see Dame Edna at least twice. "

" I haven't ever found any great writing on that wonderful and often unappreciated art form, the insult. "

" It was well after college that I learned about depression. I got my first job for Jack Paar. I realized I was sleeping 14 hours a day and just living for the Paar show. "

" Perhaps the saddest irony of depression is that suicide happens when the patient gets a little better and can again function sufficiently. "

" Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself. "

" In the main, ghosts are said to be forlorn and generally miserable, if not downright depressed. The jolly ghost is rare. "

" Can you picture yourself at the age 60 doing what you do now? "

" A grown man, weeping, is a tough thing to see. "

" If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. "

" You would have to be naive to think you can appear on television and not have the material edited in some way. "

" I love my own coincidences and love to hear other peoples' stories. "

" Japanese is sort of a hobby of mine, and I can get around Japan with ease. "

" The authority of depression is horrifying. I felt like my brain was busted and that I could never feel good again. I really thought that I was never gonna heal. "