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" I can't write a joke. I could never write. I do a lot of stories and I call them stories, but they're just comedy recitals on a given subject. "

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" I came to Vegas because I wanted to, not because I thought it could help my career. I didn't even know they had comedy clubs here. "

" I only have eight jokes, but I can do 'em over a two-hour period of time. "

" I always wanted to be a comedian, but I wasn't sure how you do that. "

" Each piece I tell stands on its own, and then it all ties together. It segues from story to story, and then I wrap it up - like three-piece movements in a symphony. "

" It has been a wonderful life for me. It's just been a blessing. I can't say I would have done it any other way. I have no regrets. I like what I do. "

" I prefer to have one gigantic laugh preceded by several smaller laughs rather than a bunch of medium laughs all along. "

" Fortunately for me, or unfortunately, they made me an editor of the Parish Prison Pelican. I could read and write, and I had a way with words. "

" Most people are used to the T.V. comedy method of one joke every 18 seconds. And that's why it's not funny... There's no time for anything to develop. "

" I have a routine I go through on the days that I work, and I don't want to divert from that. "

" I'm a storyteller. I'm not like any other comic. I tell detailed stories - not made-up stuff, but true stories. "

" If the Bible is correct, and the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that means there were no dinosaurs, and museum curators have been messing with us. Or the dinosaurs were here, and we never noticed them. Or a lot of people saw them but didn't want to say anything. "

" There's probably been very few people in comedy that have a diversified background as I do. "

" I look at things logically. The humor I do is to go from A to B to C to D, and F is the funny. "

" I'm an orator, a raconteur. "