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" I don't want to have to be a teacher so I can be a comedian. "

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" Even under the best circumstances, speaking at your own wedding ceremony is a high pressure endeavor. What even constitutes a vow? I always picture them as exclamations you bellow at the sky. "

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" When you're confined to a hospital bed, there aren't many appointments you can make. You await visits from friends and family members. You enjoy the coconut ice cream they smuggle in. You tolerate the erratic and invasive visits of doctors and nurses, hoping that one of them will bring you closer to going home. "

Friends And Family

" Toughing out the winter is a dedication to my heritage, both in terms of not going 'soft' by kowtowing to nature's volatility and staying physically close to my family in New England. I don't run from that kind of pressure. "

" I love Boston, and I had a very lovely childhood in Massachusetts. "

" I think the term 'Twitter comedian' can seem like a pejorative because it's not a job, really, and there's such a low barrier for entry to get started. "

" I like to see my parents, and they like it when I'm around. "

" Often, when I leave the house, I dress for comfort. On my better days, I shoot for 'matching.' "

" In my early years doing standup, I bombed a lot. "

" The thing they don't tell you about a Tough Mudder is that, for all the adrenaline pumping and barbed-wire-bicep-tattoo sporting, a lot of the day is fairly idyllic and contemplative. I hadn't spent so much time jogging through the woods in years - or ever. "

" I had a Screech-from-'Saved by the Bell' kind of vibe in that I hung out with people and had friends while having, like, big, curly hair and being generally a dork. "

" A vest is just a totem reminding you that some people dress well, and you can be one of those people. "

" When I was young - like, young young - I would read all the time. I would read when I was walking places. My taste was, like, all over the place. I wouldn't even call it taste. It was just like, what was there. "

" For many comedians, two common anxiety triggers include performing in front of family members and doing brand new material. "

" A vest, as a clothing item, always makes a statement, but depending on context, those declarations vary a great deal. "

" I try to be kind, and I try to reflect that in my comedy, but I'm also incredibly bad at being mean. I can't pull it off effectively, so I always end up reverting back to politeness. "

" I tweeted that Tom Brady's politics are 'garbage,' which may have been hyperbolic. "

" I played sports because I think it's mandatory in the greater Boston area regardless of your aptitude. It's like, well, what else would you be doing? "