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" I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool. "

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" I don't watch reality TV. "

" I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. "

" Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! "

" My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. "

" I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. "

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" I'm not really a music guy. "

" I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. "

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" For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended. "

" I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. "