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" You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. "

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" I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. "

" For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended. "

" I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on. "

" Being on the road is kind of lonely. "

" I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. "

" I'm not really a music guy. "

" I never wanted to be famous. "

" A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it. "

" I don't watch reality TV. "

" I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff. "

" I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. "

" What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. "

" I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. "

" Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. "

" When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. "

" I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing. "

" Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! "

" I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. "

" I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. "

" I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool. "

" Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. "

" I have no grand scheme. "

" Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. "

" I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. "

" I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes. "

" My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. "

" I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. "