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" I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish. "

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" I didn't really want to be a comedian. "

" I went to Montreal. My first gig went very badly. They just weren't laughing at anything. I found out they were a load of Christians, and it was a gig to raise money for a new church roof. "

" I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people. "

" A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere. "

" I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl. "

" I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy. "

" You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home. "

" I'd love to do acting, but it'd definitely have to be comedy. I can't do serious. It's completely beyond me. "

" I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh. "

" I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself. "

" I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved. "

" I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration. "

" If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial. "

" We had our first meeting yesterday, and we just laughed all the way through, so if we can bottle that, then I'll be happy. We just get on, and that's half the battle. "

" I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them. "