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" I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people. "

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" I went to Montreal. My first gig went very badly. They just weren't laughing at anything. I found out they were a load of Christians, and it was a gig to raise money for a new church roof. "

" You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home. "

" I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration. "

" I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish. "

" I'd love to do acting, but it'd definitely have to be comedy. I can't do serious. It's completely beyond me. "

" I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh. "

" If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial. "

" I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them. "

" I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself. "

" It's Charley's Aunt and The Odd Couple rolled into one. "

" I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved. "

" I didn't really want to be a comedian. "

" A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere. "

" I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl. "

" I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy. "