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" I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions. "

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" I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that. "

Lewis Grizzard

Racial

" I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?' "

" Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. "

" A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that. "

" The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one. "

Lewis Grizzard

Trying

Mistakes

" You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?' "

Lewis Grizzard

You

Want

" Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today. "

" I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good. "

" I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married. "

" 'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them. "

" I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side. "

" The South is the last place with a sense of place. "

" If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. "

" I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. "

Lewis Grizzard

Think

Her

" Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. "

" I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it. "

" It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. "

" I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes. "

" The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. "

" Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. "

" Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. "

" I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time. "

" I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate. "

" There's no such thing as being too Southern. "

" I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book. "

Lewis Grizzard

Book

Life

" If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes. "

" Show business is my life. "