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" I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good. "

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" The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. "

Lewis Grizzard

Life

Football

Problems

" I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time. "

" I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate. "

" If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes. "

" Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. "

" Show business is my life. "

" I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?' "

" The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one. "

Lewis Grizzard

Trying

Mistakes

" I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that. "

Lewis Grizzard

Racial

" You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die. "

" A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that. "

" I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married. "

" The South is the last place with a sense of place. "

" There's no such thing as being too Southern. "

" I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. "

Lewis Grizzard

Think

Her

" You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?' "

Lewis Grizzard

You

Want

" I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it. "

" I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions. "

" If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. "

" Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. "

" It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. "

" 'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them. "

" I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes. "

" Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. "

" Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today. "

" Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. "

" I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side. "