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" If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. "

Gilbert Gottfried

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" If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever. "

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" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

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" You never know what people will choose to be offended by. "

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" I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl. "

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" I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. "

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" I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. "

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" I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.' "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive! "

Gilbert Gottfried

" There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner. "

Gilbert Gottfried