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" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

Gilbert Gottfried

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" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "

Arthur C. Clarke

" Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. "

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. "

Ernest Hemingway

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I started writing 'Southern Baptist Sissies' right after I had written the screenplay for 'Sordid Lives', so that's when I started on a darker path in telling the truth about my journey in the church, but there was still a lot of funny. "

" I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. "

Gilbert Gottfried

" A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. "

" I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. "

" Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. "

" A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy! "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner

" Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles. "

" Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted. "

" I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. "

Charles M. Schulz

" I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people. "

" I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. "

" It usually takes two people a little while to learn where the funny buttons are and testy buttons are. "

" You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. "

" I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli. "

" Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. "

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "