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" There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive! "

Gilbert Gottfried

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" A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. "

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" One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels. "

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" There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows. "

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" If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. "

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" If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. "

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" I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. "

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" I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? "

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" I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. "

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" You never know what people will choose to be offended by. "

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" I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. "

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" I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner. "

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" With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club. "

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" Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out. "

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" If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever. "

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" I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years. "

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" The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. "

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" I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. "

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