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" I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was. "

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" I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion. "

" My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. "

" It's not hard for me to be funny. But it's really hard. I don't think a lot of people are funny. I meet a lot of people, and most of them aren't funny. "

" I am not a racist. "

" I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard. "

" I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that. "

" I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be. "

" I've always had my wrist slapped for being myself. "

" I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes. "

" I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone. "

" Some men's magazines are just downright offensive. "

" I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value. "

" A big part of becoming a funny person was a major defense mechanism. Onstage, especially as a woman, I've had to be really tough. The second you show a crack, the audience can literally leave. "

" I was always like that, at 5 years old, just demanding equality. I thought it could all be fixed if you called attention to it. "

" I'm super grateful that there wasn't social media when I was a kid, but that sort of self-doubt crept in at a young age. It's bullying. It's the comments here and there, and maybe somebody says something to you that they don't even mean to be a mean-spirited comment, but they'll just kind of say it to you in passing. "

" I think standup is pretty good for an introvert because you are performing, but, I mean, it's on your own terms. There are so many people in the room, but it's a one-sided conversation. And you actually don't have to interact - unless you want to. "

" I love being in my own skin, and I hope other women start feeling better about themselves and waste less energy being ashamed of their bodies. "

" Being introverted, it doesn't mean necessarily being shy or being afraid of public speaking; it just means that it's hard for me to interact with people for too long. "

" The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde. "

" People get really turned off by feminism. "

" I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh. "

" To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people. "

" I am very into making up my own rules. "

" I'm insanely close to my sister. "