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" Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. "

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" In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh. "

" Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. "

" With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal! "

" Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. "

" Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years. "

" Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success. "

" Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. "

" Do your kids a favor - don't have any. "

" If you can laugh together, you can work together. "

" The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss. "

" More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. "

" Quit worrying about your health. It will go away. "

" What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds. "

" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket. "

" Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. "

" Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? "

" Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! "

" Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet. "

" To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. "

" There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. "

" Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings. "

" A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success. "

" Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer. "

" Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down. "

" Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator. "

" I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. "

" Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. "

" I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself. "

" The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it. "